Tuesday, June 21, 2005

An Intimate Look At the Body of an Older Woman

Remember when Bill Clinton, as President of the United States, expressed carnal desire for a 500 year old Peruvian Mummy?

Juanita met President Clinton. In 1996 she visited the United States where she met President Clinton at a dinner in Stamford, Connecticut. He reportedly said, "If I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out. That's a good-looking mummy!" According to the Associated Press, Peruvian scientists at the time called his remark "tasteless."
Mr. Clinton may want to consider paying a visit to Westminster College in western Pennsylvania. There's a campus resident who sounds like his type of woman:
Even to those who know her best, Pesed is a woman cloaked in mystery.

She traveled halfway around the world to make her home at Westminster College in New Wilmington, Lawrence County, and rumor has it she sometimes made late-night jaunts across campus, roaming dormitory halls and snuggling up with unsuspecting co-eds.

Definitely his kind of gal. I can just imagine White House staffers sneaking Pesed into Clinton's bed. I can also imagine the staffers standing outside of the door several hours later wondering about the giggling coming from inside the bedroom, and why President Clinton hasn't come out yet.
Scientists hope to find out more about the 2,300-year-old mummy after CT scans are performed on her tonight at College Fields MRI in Neshannock, Lawrence County. A forensic sculptor will use the scans to construct a three-dimensional model of Pesed's skull.
Scientists. Always more interested in what's inside a woman's head than in what's inside her dress.
The Rev. John Griffin, an Egyptian missionary and Westminster graduate, bought Pesed for $8 and donated her to the college in 1885. Today, she is worth $200,000 to $250,000, said Jonathan Elias, of the Reading, Berks County-based Akhmim Mummy Studies Consortium, which is paying for the CT scans.
She started out as a cheap date and is now worth some big bucks? She sounds like Westminster College's trophy wife.
Farmerie hopes hair samples gathered when Pesed's body is removed from her coffin will unearth more about her diet, lifestyle or other diseases she may have had.
A lock of her hair is a wonderful romantic gift. The rest of the information is useful for knowing which restaurants you should or should not take her to, and finding out if she practices safe sex.

Of particular interest is an amulet, or small metal charm, lodged under her arm. The scans will allow scientists to view the charm without disturbing Pesed's wrappings, Farmerie said.

Egyptians, who believed the body transcended into the afterlife, placed charms on the body to cure wearers' maladies, he said.

The placement of the charm under Pesed's arm is unusual, Elias said. It might indicate that she suffered a chronic pain in that area, he said.

It might indicate that she has already been with Clinton and he kept laying down on her arm so she would be pinned and couldn't get out of bed.
In addition to osteoporosis, the 2001 scans of Pesed revealed abscesses along her jaw, possibly pointing to an infection that could have led to malnutrition or even death, Farmerie said.
Or it could be herpes. College campuses are notorious for promiscuity.
One tale had it that pranksters severed her head from her body. That one has been disproved, Farmerie said, but rumors of her being carted around campus and dropped off in students' beds are harder to dispel, he said.
I can think of a few jokes to make about this paragraph, all based around the word "head", but I don't want to sink too far into the gutter.
Snatching Pesed wouldn't have been hard, he said, so long as students took the whole body. Until 20 to 30 years ago, Pesed was left unguarded, sometimes tucked away in storage closets, anywhere there was 12 square feet of space, Farmerie said.
You run into a lot of girls like that at college frat parties.
Evidence that kids got to the mummy has been left behind: The underside of the lid to Pesed's wooden coffin is decorated with the etchings of students' names and dates from the late 1800s.
Some girls remember the name of every boy they've dated. Etching it where you can see it, on the place where you lie down, helps.

These days, Pesed dwells securely in her coffin in a glass display case at the Mack Science Library on campus.

"It's under lock and key," Farmerie said.

From here on, it's "look but don't touch". Once they become famous, they forget you ever existed. Witch!

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