Wednesday, November 02, 2005

The "Average" American

I don't do memes too often, because I just can't relate to most of them. The Average American meme that's currently going around is a fun one, so here goes.

Eats peanut butter at least once a week -- No, but I ought to since it would be cheaper and quicker to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich served on a paper plate than to cook a hot meal and dirty a bunch of pots and dishes. It's also good on chocolate ice cream.

Prefers smooth peanut butter over chunky -- Oh yeah. As a child, I took a bite into a peanut butter sandwich served by a friend's mother and I reacted much the same way that one does when biting into some tuna and crunching down on a piece of bone. Gag! It was crunchy. I have always eaten creamy ever since. If I wants peanuts, I'll open a jar of planters, thank you very much.

Can name all Three Stooges -- The trick here is that there are actually six Stooges, since the third slot was held by a succession of four different comics. But I can do better than that. The Stooges were: Samuel "Shemp Howard" Horowitz; Moe "Moe Howard" Horowitz; Jeremiah "Curly Howard" Horowitz; Larry "Larry Fine" Feinberg; Joe Besser; and "Curly" Joe DeRita. Moe's first name was probably something like Mortimer or Morris but I am doing this from memory and don't want to cheat by looking it up on the internet. Also, former frequent Stooges guest star Emil Sitka briefly joined Moe and Curly Joe when Larry took ill in the late 1960s. How's that for a complete answer?

Lives within a 20-minute drive of a Wal-Mart -- About ten, I believe.

Eats at McDonaldĂ‚’s at least once a year -- Yes, but not often. Eating out is expensive on my salary, even fast food. I will eat a burger but not breakfast there. A few years ago I bit into some nice Eggshell McMuffin. (See the crunchy peanut butter answer above.)

Takes a shower for approximately 10.4 minutes a day -- Yes, but I could cut down on the time were it not for my body fat. There's more of me to wash than there ought to be.

Never sings in the shower -- Not since I was single. People can hear that stuff, you know.

Lives in a house, not an apartment or condominium -- I have always lived in houses, never rented property.

Has a home valued between $100,000 and $300,000 -- According to my county's assessment web site, the full market value is less than $90,000 and the assessed value is way below that. I would need a substantial raise to be able to afford a home worth six figures.

Has fired a gun -- Yes indeed! The Mauser was my favorite, a very comfortable rifle. It's light, it makes a nice pop when fired with almost no kickback, and has a history of being used in battle against the French.

Is between 5 feet and 6 feet tall -- A little over that, around 6'1".

Weighs 135 to 205 pounds -- Maybe when I'm dead and my body starts decomposing...

Is between the ages of 18 and 53 -- Yes, a couple of years past the halfway point of that range.

Believes gambling is an acceptable entertainment option -- It's fun to watch other people do it, though I really can't afford to gamble myself. Have you ever seen an idiot in a glass booth with paper money blowing all around the compartment? Hilarious.

Grew up within 50 miles of current home -- Less than 10, actually. I have repressed Wanderlust.

So, am I average? No, but I am an American. And I'm me. Anyone else care to pick up this meme?

1 comment:

jipzeecab said...

Dittoed everything but weight, age and gambling.