Monday, November 14, 2005

No More Flying Clown Heads

After watching part one of "Category 7" last weekend, I couldn't pass up seeing the conclusion. That flying clown head really made an impression on me. Plus, I wanted to see how Gina Gershon saves the world. You just don't believe it until you see it.

The flying clown head that eats snooty Frenchmen makes a brief appearance during the recap of part one. Of that object I shall say no more.

The confusing subplot involving teenagers getting kidnapped from a bus full of evacuees is explained in a way that actually makes sense, and ties in to another subplot that didn't make sense to me before the connection was made. Basically, the kids are supposed to die in a sort of second coming of Moses's Egyptian plagues. We already had the pyramids destroyed last week, plus frogs and flies in Washington. Why not go after the firstborn?

Last week we learned that FEMA director Gershon's son is romantically involved with the daughter of the scientist who fell out of favor with the feds but whom Gershon brought back secretly to assist with the weather problems. Oh, and that Ms. FEMA and Mr. Scientist were lovers in college. Plus, there's a jerky kid, the son of some other federal employee, trying to muscle in on the happy young couple. Just think of the three kids as Peter Parker, Mary Jane Watson and Harry Osborn, and their interplay will make sense.

The Rovian White House Chief of Staff, played by the same actor who was the Cheneyesque VP in The Day After Tomorrow, returns to represent the Bush Administration. (Can you tell this movie was made by lefties?) He fires the Secretary of Homeland Security, pulls the plug on an impromptu public warning, then finally gets sucked upward into the tornado that shows up to destroy the White House. Sales of kleenex and hand lotion to Democrats skyrocketed.

Randy Quaid, alias Tommy Tornado, spends more time with Shannen Doherty in his funky van. This may very well qualify as "more fun than human beings should be allowed to have". But it pays off for him -- in the end, he not only survives his forays into the eye of the storm, but he gets the girl! For showing us that creepy fat guys can get hot women too, Randy Quaid is one of three characters who earns a HERO label from this reviewer.

In addition to the CheneyRove actor and a stormtracking Quaid brother, a third obvious homage to (or ripoff of) The Day After Tomorrow is the junior partner of the discredited scientist who goes ga-ga for the no-nonsense Asian babe who works for the feds. (Did these movies start from the same plot treatment?) She literally lets her hair down when the two of them are alone and she has to rescue him from a catwalk high atop a stage in the theater that houses their office. After the two of them (and the rest of the world) are safe, she calls him cutie, kisses him, and talks about something called a "Japanese rope trick". That last bit worried me, but it was during the ten o'clock hour so I guess it was alright. For getting his girl, along with the gratuitous rope trick reference, junior scientist is HERO number two.

Gina Gershon and her discredited scientist former lover get everyone to turn down the power, which cools the city and causes the coverging twin nightmare storms to dissipate. But neither of these are deserving of the third award for heroism in the face of inane plot devices. He gets his wife and daughter back. Yippee. FEMA Gina gets her son back, her conniving politician daddy in the Robert Wagner mask singlehandedly saves Europe, and she ends up making what is effectively a FEMA commercial. Somewhere, there are Moonbats hoping that this movie makes people think. Well, it make me think, but not about the wonderful and unlimited possibilities of federal management in times of disaster. It made me think that Ms. FEMA blew her chance to be named third and final hero of the film by being a shill for big government.

Nope, in a surprise twist ending, HERO aware number three goes to...Harry Osborn! Yep, the obnoxious daddy's boy who kept picking fights with Peter Parker FEMAson for no apparent reason had an epiphany that changed his whole attitude. During a one-on-one scuffle with an armed kidnapper, Harry falls from a catwalk and breaks his leg, which forces him to lie prone on the ground for much of the last hour of the movie. He is stuck there with a deadly storm raging outside and heavily armed thugs looking for him inside. Just when he thinks no one is going to rescue him, he spies her....FEMA Gina. More to the point, he sees her lips, shoulders and cleavage rushing towards him. That'll make a teenage boy mature in a BIG hurry. After the rescue party carries him outside and sets him on the ground, Harry tells Peter than they can be friends now, and not just because of their shared experience as kidnap victims. "Your mom is really hot...and totally available!" He's going to start hanging around with some kid he can't stand just to get closer to the other kid's attractive divorced mother. Anyone who has ever been a teenage boy recognizes Harry Osborn as the real HERO of this movie.

If only it had stopped there instead of after the FEMA commercial, I would have been much happier with the ending. Will this movie produce a sequel? I look forward to "Category 10: Earth Goes All Krypton On Us".

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