Saturday, December 17, 2005

Living In Style

Normally I don't blog things like this, but the Trib's Style section has an article about a penthouse residence high atop Mount Washington that just begs to be mocked. It sounds attractive:

The whole-floor penthouse, on the 25th floor, has 360 degrees of windows. The view of the Golden Triangle from the living room is unparalleled.
The current owner is trying to sell it for two-and-a-half million bucks. Good luck with that. I can't imagine anyone seriously wanting to pay more than $50,000 for anything within city limits. Especially considering the hazards of such a dwelling, as described by the pretty young woman who lives there:

"It's really neat because you can see some of the helicopters fly by. I think the view is even prettier in the winter."
Well, you had better get the place sold ASAP because one of these days a pervy chopper pilot trying to get a sneak peek into your bedroom is going to get a little over-excited, lose control of his vehicle, and the last view that you will ever have out that window (or anywhere else) will be of a sexually aroused helicopter pilot attempting an emergency landing in your living room.

Unless, of course, the place is equipped with cannons or flak guns. I would insist on it before moving in.

Not that I would want to live in such a place. You've got to be something of an exhibitionist to give the world such a wide open view of your interiors. Says one broker who deals in luxury condos:

"With condo living, it's the same living whether you're in the penthouse or a one-bedroom,"
I've heard of Penthouse, but not One-Bedroom. Sounds like one of those magazines that were hidden on the top shelf of the magazine section of the drug store where I bought my comic books as a boy.

Not only is sex involved in penthouse living, but also drugs:

A private elevator takes visitors to the 25th floor, which is billed as "the highest residence in Pittsburgh."
Every rock star of the 1970s would have wanted to live there. Tell me that this wasn't made for Led Zeppelin:

No taking out of trash is required. Simply place the trash in the trash chute, and it disappears forever. Five covered parking spaces are included with the penthouse.
More than likely the trash gets deposited directly into the Monongahela River and sails clear out to the Gulf of Mexico, where Jimmy Page's used syringes end up polluting some beach in the Yucatan.

The current residents live something of a rock star style, as the man of the house has the sexual appetite of Robert Plant in his prime:

"My fiance is an animal nut,"
explains the pretty young lady who is marrying him this month. He's such an animal that he already knocked her up a year ago. Can't blame him for that. As a man, I understand all too well. Unfortunately, their passion for one another has caused them to get careless about child care:

"We haven't done much cooking since the baby,"
she tells us with an implied "Ooops!" It's horrible, but also understandable. When you're distracted by helicopters, snow and your own personal sex maniac, you have trouble telling the difference between, say, a pork roast or a turkey, and a newborn baby. I just hope the kid's doing okay.

So if she gives up this luxury pad, who might be interested in buying it?

"I've sent some letters to the Steelers and the Penguins and the Pirates...I figured this place would be good for someone coming in."
Great idea! As the Minnesota Vikings have shown us, it's best to have your own place for team parties. Safer atop the mountain than in the water.

1 comment:

jipzeecab said...

I can attest to the advantages of living in this place...especially if one wants to eat at Monterray Bay which is located in the building.
However one risks getting ones butt mugged if one chooses to stroll the 190 feet to the LeMont.
For my money I'd rather live on the upper floors of Dominion Tower where one can spy on the Pirates at PNC Park across the Allegheny and have faux room service from Mortons when I want to splurge.