Sunday, December 25, 2005

Pull Up Your Pants, Woman!

The Pittsburgh Moist-Towelette has a fashion Q&A feature that I have never seen before, written by a Mr. LaMont Jones. Normally I wouldn't even contemplate reading about fashion in the newspaper, but as someone who is always looking for new sources of amusement, I took a look. Mr. Jones did not disappoint.

The Christmas Day question comes from some skank in Kansas who is a borderline exhibitionist:

I think it's very, very, very, sexy for me to wear low-rise jeans and then for me to pull my thong up very high on my waist so that the sides of the thong show above my pants.
I agree. Or I might, if you had provided us with some photographic evidence. Then I might have been able to say for certain that you look "very, very, very, sexy" with your pants pulled down and the visibly self-imposed wedgie above them. Or you might rate as only "very, very, sexy" or just "very sexy". It's all a matter of perspective. In fact, I might take one look at you and decide that you don't deserve to be rated as "sexy" at all, but rather as "someone who needs to learn how to wipe when she's done". But I can't unless you send a photograph!

So how do the people she meets when she walks down the street rate her?

I really get a reaction out of people at the grocery store and when I go to pick up my dog at the dog day-care place, and at church.
Well, of course you get a reaction, but they aren't necessarily positive ones -- whoa, what was that last one? "At church"? I've seen a lot of women "dressing down" when they go to church, but I have yet to see one with her thong yanked over her belt. On purpose, anyway.

That's pretty bad, but I'm even more disturbed that she takes some kind of glee in being all sexy when she goes to some "dog day-care place". I've heard of women like this. That's just sick, sick, sick!

In another setting, it's also a potential means of entrapment:

But my boss has told me that even though Friday is casual Friday, it's inappropriate for me to wear my thong like that. Is this workplace discrimination and harassment?
Well, let's see. By dressing in this manner, you are creating an uncomfortable work environment for your male colleagues. If you are a sexy as you say you are, you must be making it more difficult for them to be productive on the job. You are a negative influence, and a very bad girl. You should be punished. Unfortunately for you, you have made it easier to get your butt whipped by having your pants halfway off your backside already.

Then, her cry for help:

I don't want to get in trouble at work or suffer a professional failure just because I am so smokin' hot, but I also like to express myself through fashion. What could I do?
Oh, I dunno. Pull up your pants, maybe? Have your underwear surgically removed from your crack?

Why do you insist on calling yourself "very, very, very, sexy" and "smokin' hot" when you don't give any eyewitness testimony for these observations? Has anyone else actually described you this way, or are you a narcissist?

LaMont's response is one long smackdown! on this skank's overexposed behind:

Ooooo-kay. Alrighty then. First, allow me to express my surprise that the trend actually made it to your corner of Kansas. Do the boys there sag their pants, too?
And allow me to read into this the insinuation that she perhaps bears more than a passing resemblance to a boy.

And then he makes a more serious point:

Sorry to rain on your smokin' hot panty parade, but your boss did the right thing. Fridays in corporate America -- not to mention church -- are never that casual. And I don't see discrimination here. Deliberately showing your unmentionables in the workplace is inappropriate, unless you work with a pole on a platform. If showing your thong outside your pants offends any of your co-workers, then they could be the real victims of sexual harassment -- not you.
Or, as I would have put it, "You dumb bitch! You should have been a stripper. Or maybe not, if you're so damn ugly that guys in your office complain about having to look at your sorry ass!"

He concludes:

What could you do? Continue to express yourself through fashion, but temper it with respect for others and yourself. Remember, there are all kinds of attention -- think hard about what kind you want to attract.
One time on The Beverly Hillbillies, Granny declared that, according to the "code of the hills", Jethro had to marry a burlesque dancer because he had seen her in her underwear. The skanky letter-writer might just want to attract a mate. Or, since she shows her thong wherever she goes, she may be expressing a desire to hook up with any and every man who sees her.

"Think hard", indeed. LaMont Jones nails this one and thus becomes one of my new favorite feature writers in the local media.


jipzeecab said...

Sounds to me a little like the letter writer is of the same ilk as the theatre troupe that puts on a "poor white trash persona" to get exposure on the Jerry Springer Show.

SnackCake said...

Sounds to me like you have no sense of humor.