Saturday, February 25, 2006

No News Is Good News

There's nothing good to report from this morning's newspaper, so let's go straight to "The Bad and the Ugly".

First, the bad:

The Port Authority is talking about possible fare hikes and bus-trolley service reductions again.

Acting Chief Executive Officer Dennis Veraldi broached the issue at yesterday's board meeting, saying the staff has begun discussions on a preliminary 2006-07 operating budget that tentatively shows a record $36 million deficit.

Well, so much for Fast Eddie's labor agreement saving the Pork Authority. It's just one thing after another with that outfit, each worse than the last. Public transportation needs to be run like a business, yet all the people in charge can do is beg for more government money.

If the Pork Authority ever goes under, private enterprise will step in to replace it. I can't predict how well it will work, but there's definitely a market for bus and trolley service, so someone will take a chance.

Now for the ugly:

What a gas station clerk in McKeesport thought at first glance was a severed penis was actually a urine-filled sex toy.
What a fantastic opening line! It nearly jumps off the page to demand that we read the rest of the story. Why? Why would an alleged severed male member be in the possession of a confused gas clerk?

A couple entered the GetGo station in the 200 block of Fifth Avenue about 5:10 p.m., and the man asked a female store clerk to heat in the microwave an object wrapped in a paper towel.
Who the hell walks into a convenience store and hands the clerk something to nuke? They have their own hot dogs for sale.

...the clerk complied but noticed a strange odor. When she handed the object back to the man, it became unwrapped and she saw what resembled a penis.
Ooops! If you're going to cook a penis, it's best to use a self-serve microwave. Don't ask someone else to do it. You don't want someone else's permanent psychological damage to weigh on your conscience.

Or, better yet, just take a ride on a Pork Authority bus. Sit at the back, right on top of the engines. You could get the thing nice and hot while enjoying a relaxing cruise at (mostly) taxpayer expense.
The couple left the store separately, and the clerk called 911.
The clerk didn't keep it. Why bother calling if you let the perp walk away with it? Were you afraid of being embarrassed in the event of a scuffle in which the man might have yelled "Let go of my penis, lady!" at you? You gotta seize the evidence in order to justify the emergency call.

...the woman who was in the store contacted police yesterday morning and said the object was a sex toy filled with urine. She told police that she wanted to heat the urine to body temperature for use in an employment drug screening she needed to take.
Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up. But really. Where was she going to hide the toy? I could see a man faking a urine test using an ersatz rod, but it might look kind of funny sticking out of a woman.

See, I told you this was ugly.

1 comment:

jipzeecab said...

Every version of this story I've heard is different. In one the people leave the store without it, in one it is the famous "wizzonator"...One thing is for certain..two certifiably stupid people are conspiring and collaborating together in McKeesport..or perhaps as Darwin would say..self thinning the herd.
These two have reportedly retained an attorney..WHY?