Monday, July 17, 2006

Nasty Bad Teeth

I just remembered -- I have an appointment with my dentist this Friday. Why would I suddenly think of such a thing? Oh, it might have something to do with the fact that I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest yesterday afternoon. And the most striking thing about seeing this film in a movie theater is the constant sight of horribly decaying, rotten teeth on display for all to see on the big screen. It was too easy to lose track of the movie's goings-on when varying shades of yellow, black, green and gold leapt out from orifices of the characters on the screen.

Tia Dalma, the friendly witch-type character, wins the prize for shiniest mouth, on account of the fact that most of her teeth seem to be made of gold. She's otherwise very creepy, but at least the actress playing her was cute enough to keep me from turning my head away when Tia was on screen.

Elizabeth Swann, portrayed by the underfed Keira Knightley, has a pretty face, sparkling teeth, and very kissable lips. Just ask Captain Jack Sparrow -- the creep factor went up a few notches when the pirate boldly engaged in a protracted liplock with his pal's chick. Elisabeth is an anomaly in this film. She's almost too pretty to be seen in the company of decrepit scumbags on boats. There's a third POTC film currently in production, and I would not be surprised if Elizabeth lowers her standards even further and engages in tongue wrestling with Davy Jones in that one.

You see, Davy Jones is...how shall I say this... Davy and his crew look like spoiled seafood. Try going out to Red Lobster after watching this movie and see how quickly you lose your appetite. Davy Jones, whose crew primarily consists of anthropomorphic shellfish who used to be men, has a head that looks like an octopus that has gone over the tentacle quota. If Elizabeth Swann has a taste for calamari, she'll be his darling halfway through the next movie. She might even forget the state of his teeth, if he has teeth. Being toothless would actually be an improvement for many of the creeps in this film.

Take, for instance, Pintel and Ragetti. This comic-relief duo would be ideal study aids for dental school students, if in fact there were any kind of dental schools in the Caribbean in the 18th century. If the filmmakers care at all about continuity, these guys will be completely toothless in film number three.

About the movie itself...it was good. The kids liked it. The wife loved it. And the ending was a mild shocker, though it was just a touch too similar to the end of Spider-Man 2. It left us wanting more, and that was a good thing. I just hope Keira Knightley makes a lot of dough out of this series, because she really does need to invest in some carbohydrates.

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