Thursday, September 20, 2007

Hey Baby, I Saw Your Picture In The Paper

It seems that the Pittsburgh Psychosis-Gazette is running singles ads in the form of articles now. The common thread among the desperate singles seems to be "Pittsburgh sucks!" It starts out well, with a couple of beautiful women who shouldn't have any problem attracting any man. Inexplicable. Further down, there are a couple of guys, another reasonably attractive chick, and a beefy lesbian. What does she have to say?

Why isn't the Pittsburgh-area a good place for singles? "I am gay and I think this city is so Republican and archaic it's terrible to meet people."
Well, I am a Republican and I think this city is so gay. It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose. The use of "Republican" as a pejorative is mildly amusing. This city hasn't been Republican in any sense since the early 1930s. Either this lez is a complete ignoramus, or she's being goofy on purpose.

A legal secretary compares our area unfavorably to our nation's capitol:
Worst Pittsburgh dating hang-up: Pittsburgh isn't quite as diverse as D.C. and has poor public transportation.
By using the word "diverse" in the context of The Dating Scene, this chick reveals herself to be sexually adventurous. In D.C., she can make out with people from all over the world, such as immigrant cabbies (apparently a Washington bonus). Here, she gets stuck with the local yokels. The solution is simple: The federal government needs to move to Pittsburgh so she can get a date. Voila! Problem solved.

Another cutie who spend some time in the District of Columbia has a valid complaint:
Worst Pittsburgh dating hang-up: Men don't approach women anymore. "I can't seem to find a man who understands the concept of picking me up at the door, taking me to dinner, a concert, or a museum. I would love to have a date who doesn't call me and say, 'Meet me at Bar Louie around 10.' "
It's called the sexual revolution, hon. As we've grown more open about sexual matters, we've also introduced equality onto the playing field. We can't pick you up anymore. We can't let you pick us up, either. We have to meet on neutral ground. It would be better if men still had a full set of testicles instead of trying to share a common ball sack with a woman. Keep looking.

The most heartbreaking person in the article is a beautiful 49 year old woman who can't meet a man to save her life. She's gorgeous, but comes off sounding desperate. Everyone is either too young, or too old, for her. I almost wish I was around 50 and single just so I could get her out of this fix. But I'm neither, so I can't.

The single man whose perspective closes the article hits the nail on the head:
Worst Pittsburgh dating hang-up: "When someone says they're not finding the right kind of people that's because we're all spoiled. People are used to immediate gratification and if we don't get it, we go home and watch the Steelers. ... If we found the right person right away, it would be too easy and we'd think something was wrong with them."
That's exactly why it took me so long to meet "the right person" (a.k.a. my wife). I didn't have the patience to get to know someone, and if I thought we clicked, it didn't take long for things to click back off (usually a few minutes). When we were courting, my wife-to-be thought that my greatest virtue was patience. For once, I did it right. I didn't try to rush things. My...lack of effort, shall we say, paid off. I found what I was looking for just by letting nature take its course.

And I hope these desperate Pittsburgh singles find what they are looking for.

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