Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Hooma Gunna Vote Fer?

Happy Election Day, everybody!

Be sure to wish everyone you see a Happy Election Day today -- at least until the votes are counted. Wishing everyone a Happy Election Day after the results are in could earn you a punch in the nose from roughly half the people you meet. Based on the lack of opposition in certain key races, and the Democrat voter advantage in my area, I should not be looking forward to a Happy Election Night. However, since I relish my role as a spectator, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the proverbial fireworks, no matter what happens.

With that in mind, here are my non-endorsements for this election:

  • I don't live in the city, but the Pittsburgh mayoral race is the talk of the region. Mark DeSantis has an uphill struggle despite the burgeoning anti-Luke Ravenstahl sentiment. I'd like to see DeSantis win, but considering how much he has been making Ravenstahl squirm these past few weeks, I'd be satisfied if he received at least 40% of the vote.
  • Do I vote for Chuck McCullough for Allegheny County Council-At-Large? My conscience is sitting this one out. It's nice to have one almost guaranteed Republican official elected representing the whole county. However, a third party candidate named David Tessitor is making a good run for the seat as well. I will consider him. My mind is not yet made up, though I am leaning ever so slightly towards McCullough just so there can be a Republican to balance out John DeFazio, who is assumed by all to be a shoo-in.
  • Have I ever mentioned that my earliest John DeFazio memory is watching him miss a leapfrog, thereby mashing his balls into the rock-hard skull of Special Delivery Jones during a wrestling match at the Civic Arena back in 1978? DeFazio lost the match on a technicality because he was "unable to continue". This is why wrestling is more interesting than politics. Politics would not be so boring if more politicians got their balls mashed in public. I'm sure everyone knows of at least one politician who deserves a good ball mashing.
  • Back to the subject at hand: There is a Sheriff's race to fill the unexpired term of disgraced former incumbent Pete DeFazio. Bill Mullen came to the office late in the game, and was untainted by the shenanigans that had gone on during the service of his predecessors. He may be an okay guy, but there is token Republican opposition in the form of Ed Kress, so at least I don't have to worry about coming up with someone to write in.
  • Saddam Hussein, in his last election before being deposed, won 100% of the vote. That should never happen in America, not even at the lowest level. Democrat Dan Onorato will coast to victory, which means that I have about eight hours to think of a name to write in. Perhaps Mark Rauterkus? Yeah, that's the ticket.
  • There are three more county offices in which incumbent Democrats have no opposition. Fortunately I have a big family, so three of my kids are going to receive votes for Controller, Treasurer, and District Attorney.
  • Did I mention that I am running for County Council District 12? Well, I am, if you consider the fact that I have told a couple of locals to write me in just so the unopposed Democrat doesn't get to enjoy a Saddam-style victory "running" for office. (In the tradition of Rauterkus, let's call it "standing" rather than "running". It's not like I'm actively trying to get elected.) So if you live in District 12, vote for ME!
  • The Pennsylvania Supreme Court race sees two Democrats and two Republicans vying for two seats. Party lines again.
  • Pennsylvania Superior Court is a "vote for not more than three" race, and there are three Republicans running. Allen, Bratton, Shogan. Each name has two syllables and ends with "N". Very easy to remember.
  • There are some judges up for retention. Unless I know something very specific about a judge, I generally vote "no" for each one, just to keep things moving. It's not the House of Lords, after all.
  • There is a school board race in my area. Again, unopposed Democrats. I will vote for my wife. She's a Democrat, so no one can accuse me of blindly pulling the lever (or pushing the button, now) for only one party. Plus, she hates the school district, so it annoys her that I vote for her, as if she actually had a chance to win. The joke's on her!
  • My borough, as always, had a heated race in the Democrat primary. The anti-incumbent faction won, and is opposed by a unified Republican ticket. It was a friendly race until three days ago, when the Democrats circulated a nasty attack ad about one of the Republican candidates. Bad timing. One of the Democrats came to our porch to talk up his campaign the next day. He had some good ideas, and seemed like a really nice guy. I might have considered voting for him if not for the sudden turn that his campaign took. I am voting straight Republican here.
I think that's everything. I will be shocked if anyone I vote for actually wins. We'll see in a few hours.

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