Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Blog For Bacon: The Only Good Pig Is A Dead Pig

(This is a Blogs For Bacon Day post, fried in its own grease.)

I like bacon. In fact, I love it. You might even say that I have bacon on the brain. I might even smack you upside the head for saying that -- but I digress.

For years, bacon has been my number one choice for breakfast. I eat it on the rare occasion when I visit a breakfast buffet. I sizzle it up in my skillet on my kitchen stove. Three pounds, hot and crispy, just waiting for me to snarf it all down my gullet. Sometimes I even share it with my wife and five kids, but not too much. The less of it they get, the more they appreciate it. Always leave 'em hungry for more.

When I suffered through a health scare last April, I was concerned that I would be unable to eat bacon ever again. My blood pressure was way over 200. My cholesterol was climbing the scale trying to catch up with it. Once I had been sufficiently medicated and given good leave to leave the hospital, I asked the cardiologist what kind of diet I should follow. Normal diet, he said, but go easy on sodium and fat. Okay. Low sodium and low fat. Gotcha. Sounds simple enough. I'll just go to the market and read the Nutrition Facts. What's in bacon? Uh-oh. Here's how I reacted:

Now, bacon breakfasts were sacred rituals for me. I basically tossed the whole package of bacon in the skillet, fried until it wouldn't fry no more without becoming scorched, and repeated the process with 1-2 more packages, in case I wanted to share with the family. Having a nice skillet full of hot bacon grease, I would then crack open 5-6 eggs for those who were in the mood for unborn virgin chicken meat, and let the words collide. The eggs came out all bacony. Breakfast heaven, it was.

Now I was looking at hell. Low salt, low fat...there goes the bacon. Cholesterol? Eggs practically breathe the stuff. What was a bacon & eggs loving man to do?

As Mr. Spock likes to say, there are always possibilities.

The big name bacon brands sell a reduced sodium bacon for the same price as regular. I wouldn't call it LOW sodium, but I didn't feel like I was killing myself by eating it. I stuck with the eggs, rationalizing the cholesterol away by concentrating on what an excellent source of protein the ova are. I took some of the curse off, too, by pouring the bacon grease out of the skillet and pouring in some olive oil for frying the eggs. Olive oil is GOOD FAT. It washes the nasties out of your system. Try using olive oil in everything you eat for a couple of days and see what ends up in your toilet.

Just for kicks I have tried turkey bacon a couple of times. It's not bad, but there is just something inappropriate about the concept. Compare it to a Zagnut. Zagnut is a candy bar made by Hershey's that looks like any other candy bar...until you open the wrapper and there is NO CHOCOLATE anywhere in or on the thing. It's not bad, but it's just not right. Such is the reaction to turkey bacon. It doesn't taste like pig. It manages to look sort of like actual bacon, but that's not how turkey is supposed to look. It might as well be made of horse meat -- Trojan Horse meat, that is. Besides, turkey does not have the fat of the pig, and burns the skillet something awful.

All hail the pig, then, that magnificent creature that looks too fat, stupid and ugly to eat. Pot-belly enthusiasts aside, who would want to keep one of these creatures? Not I. A pig is one weird-looking dude. Put it in my mouth? Are you crazy? Yet, I do put in it my mouth, chew and swallow. And I enjoy it. Alive, the pig repulses. Dead, the pig nourishes. Death to the pig, for it gives us life!

If you crave adventure as well as Schweinfleisch, you could always try wild pig bacon with eagle eggs:

Suddenly I'm in the mood for fried slices of pig.


jipzeecab said...

I ate sausage as my breakfast meat for about 40 years. Then about a year and a half ago I decided I preferred bacon and haven't ordered sausage since.
My Doctor says that my bad cholesterol is fine but my good cholesterol is a little low. My new breakfast diet is an Eat'n Park egg white veggie omelet with cheddar cheese and a side of bacon!

Nicko McDave said...

"Veggie" omelet with bacon on the side? I love it!

Do you go to the Eat'n Park on Route 88 near South Park? I almost ate there a few Sundays ago. My mother-in-law was in town and wanted to treat us, with "us" being my wife and I, our five kids, and three other grandchildren. By the time we would have been seated, breakfast would have been over. So we went to McDonald's. Never stroll into Eat'n Park with a party of 11 at 9:30 and expect to get served in less than an hour.